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Are you dating a bunch of bees?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
This will never not be funny 😭