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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
You don’t even know
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven