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[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
bro what is going on at twitter
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward