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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas