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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner