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Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭