My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
My new favorite headline
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
this is the best interaction on twitter
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.