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If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My boss called in sick of me
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.