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professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I tried to take a picture of myself in the shower, but my camera kept fogging up.
I have selfie steam issues.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
termite twitter scares me
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
It’s the weekend y’all
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!