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The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
I’m about to risk it all
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.