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So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Saturday
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.