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me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED