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Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.