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Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*sewing*
A thread
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
When you kidnap a writer.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.