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I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.