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Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Lmfaoooooo
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.