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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
ok this is my dumbest yet
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.