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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
The two types of wives
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.