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As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
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Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking