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I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
When you’ve simply given up.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
