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Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island