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ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
584.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Thanks to a fan for this one.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?