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China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.
Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that