You Might Also Like
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I misspelled ‘I’m unstoppable’ and my phone autocorrected to ‘I’m unstable’ and honestly, that’s fair.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste