7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji