@ItsDanSheehan

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

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@KateWhineHall

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

@TheTweetOfGod

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

@Marlebean

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

@karencreets

I should probably never be a mom considering I’d rather drop a baby in a puddle than my iPhone

@SonOfCha

They say if you ever get attacked by a shark you should punch it in the nose which is easy cause imagine how composed you would be.

@robfee

Wow, 5 years ago we had Steve Jobs and Neil Armstrong. Now we have no jobs and no arms.

@geekysteven

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

@Bownuggets

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

@collinwithtwoLs

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

@dshack8

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.