You Might Also Like
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
yeah not falling for this one
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit