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If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.