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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Trumpy Cat
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
You saw nothing. I am ham.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?