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Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god