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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Wow 🤣
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?