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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
💀😭
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN