75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
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Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.