Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

The princess and the pea

But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal

Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”