Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

Finished stitching this today 😇

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?