Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”