Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

this is what they would have looked like, though

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?

Me: [horrified] I love it

Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs