Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Them: You should try keto
Me:

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

so this horse walks into a bar

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”