Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

phew

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

security at the airport getting more straightforward

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.