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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
That’s classic.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?