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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
Möther may I have a snäck
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.