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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
It’s the weekend y’all
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
how much does a mortician urn in a year
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Jail
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Usage Guidelines
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.