You Might Also Like
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Tuesday
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Leonardo DiCaprisun