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My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..