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I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Incredible customer service.
