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Huge if true.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME