Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always a housemaid, never a house.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.

Robin: I’m so excited!

*curtain opens*

Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…

Batman: You’re welcome.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

Super glue dry times:

Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.