Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number

I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.

me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye