76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
