76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.