76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
It was worth a shot 😂
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills