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[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Drive like no one is watching.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!