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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Why is this me 😫
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid