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Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.