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When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.