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2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president