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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?