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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago