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My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I have obtained a hat
Mouse
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane