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If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Hi, it’s me. The guy who was just complaining about it being to warm in November. You might think this would preclude me from *also* complaining about how cold it’s gotten now but I contain multitudes.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.