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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
See..?
.
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Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
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Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.