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Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
#MeanwhileinCanada
[getting a retweet]
“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
it’s finally my moment to shine
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
#damn
