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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
LOL!
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
There’s a scientist with the same name as me, so whenever I Google myself, the results are like:
“Our Top Ten Dad Jokes!”
“Neat Sci-Fi Story!”
“High CO2 and the geochemistry of the coralline algae Lithothamnion glaciale”
“Fire Dept Saves Man With Head Stuck In Chicken Bucket”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.