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[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Got ya covered
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes