You Might Also Like
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.