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[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos