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Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
operators are standing by to ignore your call
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.