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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”