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I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
lol
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.