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Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Spell check is for lasers.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.