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Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.