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At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Strange
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.