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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.