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Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
i can’t wait that long
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I don’t get marriage
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too