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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext