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Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds